Wednesday, October 11, 2006

A Letter from Your General Practitioner

by Bradford Walker

Tap, tap.

The results of the test came back. Despite your best efforts, you’re no different from the others. You're a pretty good person and all, don't get us wrong! And you're definitely interesting (when you willingly converse), but, really, you’re just another pawn in the game...just like them. It's about as simple as that.

Honestly though, it’s a really noble thing that you're going for: you know, being introspective and "conscious of your world" and all that. It’s definitely helped out over the years, and some of the ideas that you regurgitate are really very sweet. That whole "of the people" not "of the chain restaurant" or"of the strip-mall" is great. I mean, we all like mom and pops. (Hi Mom!).

But, you see, you're not really helping much.We've been watching, and we noticed that if something costs more than$20, you buy it from an online discounter just like everyone else. (Well, almost everyone else. Not the technologically challenged. And also not the uneducated plebeians that you try to support - they're still going to WAL-MART! Poor saps.)

But isn’t Wal-Mart just an Amazon sans shipping charges? Unfortunately it seems that you're just shopping at Wal-Mart's long-lost tech-savvy twin. We don't have any evidence to back this statement up - but we don't think that mom and pop run your online retailer of choice either. And we hate to state the obvious, but you buy your music from Apple (NASDAQ: APPL - Market Cap: $64B) and you don't even own it in physical form ferchrisake.

Yeah, now we're sure - you're just a consumer who thinks too much.

We realize this may come as a bit of a shock, so we recommend that you go home and take in a little O.C. or an episode of American Idol. That should make you conversant in the issues "of the people." Oh, but wait, you already watch both of those shows - don't you?

Hmmm...just go take two of your roommate’s Adderall and call me never.


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